Well I just got back from IHOP, yeah it's only 9:41 so I am home early. I thought maybe Merci would be able to handle herself. Why am I so stupid. I love my daughter with all of my heart, but I just don't understand how I raised such an incredibly uncontrolable person.
from my journal
July 18 2005 ihop
I brougth Merci with me tonight, not sure how this will go. Lord help her to be respectful. Lord reveal to me my wrongs. I want you to show me if I was way off in my words with Josh. ( He was , very nicley may I add, telling me I was angry, and that it seemd to be getting worse, I denied it and said I wasn't angry). Lord speak to my heart . Lord help me with my patience with Merci
So I am not sure what happened. She so diliberately did exactly the opposite of everything I asked her. I am so confused. Was she really being bad..no...just a kid. But I want to teach her respect and what better way than in real life situations. She was so disruptive, running back and forth, bugging Bek every chance she got, basically looking and me a laughing thinking she could get away with being disruptive. So was God showing me I am angry since I got mad and just let it keep rolling into a big heap on heap of explosiveness. I charge out of there like an angry bull. Or was he telling me I need to stop feeling bad when I want to do something for ME. I could have gone all alone to spend time with my Jesus to hear him to praise Him, to just sit in his glory. But NO I felt bad that Josh would have to hobble up the stairs and put her to bed.
WHAT???WHAT??? Oh I just wnat audible answers, I don't want to have to guess. Lord help me to hear YOU. What do I do with my daughter? I raised my voice at her all the way home, telling her that this was the end of her behavior, blah blah. DO YOU HEAR ME??? Yes Mom. But did she really hear me??? God is doing the samr to me I bet, Donna do you even hear what I am trying to tell you, why do I have to scream, why can't you just learn. Wow this is rollling into 3 lessons in one! Hang in there with me I need to vent!!
What do I do with her? what do I do with her? What would yo do?? I can't change her, she is MERCI God made her who she is...totally opposite of the inward people Josh and I are. I just want to understand her, to mold who she is into a better her. I need to help lead her down the right paths so she will make the right decisions. I need to teach her how to use the personality God gave her, to glorify Him. Oh! this parenting stuff in a LONG LONG journey. Lord help me lead her on this journey, as You lead me on this journey! PRAY FOR ME! thanks=)