Monday, July 18, 2005

I AM SO FRUSTRATED, I need to SCREAM

Well I just got back from IHOP, yeah it's only 9:41 so I am home early. I thought maybe Merci would be able to handle herself. Why am I so stupid. I love my daughter with all of my heart, but I just don't understand how I raised such an incredibly uncontrolable person.

from my journal

July 18 2005 ihop

I brougth Merci with me tonight, not sure how this will go. Lord help her to be respectful. Lord reveal to me my wrongs. I want you to show me if I was way off in my words with Josh. ( He was , very nicley may I add, telling me I was angry, and that it seemd to be getting worse, I denied it and said I wasn't angry). Lord speak to my heart . Lord help me with my patience with Merci

So I am not sure what happened. She so diliberately did exactly the opposite of everything I asked her. I am so confused. Was she really being bad..no...just a kid. But I want to teach her respect and what better way than in real life situations. She was so disruptive, running back and forth, bugging Bek every chance she got, basically looking and me a laughing thinking she could get away with being disruptive. So was God showing me I am angry since I got mad and just let it keep rolling into a big heap on heap of explosiveness. I charge out of there like an angry bull. Or was he telling me I need to stop feeling bad when I want to do something for ME. I could have gone all alone to spend time with my Jesus to hear him to praise Him, to just sit in his glory. But NO I felt bad that Josh would have to hobble up the stairs and put her to bed.

WHAT???WHAT??? Oh I just wnat audible answers, I don't want to have to guess. Lord help me to hear YOU. What do I do with my daughter? I raised my voice at her all the way home, telling her that this was the end of her behavior, blah blah. DO YOU HEAR ME??? Yes Mom. But did she really hear me??? God is doing the samr to me I bet, Donna do you even hear what I am trying to tell you, why do I have to scream, why can't you just learn. Wow this is rollling into 3 lessons in one! Hang in there with me I need to vent!!

What do I do with her? what do I do with her? What would yo do?? I can't change her, she is MERCI God made her who she is...totally opposite of the inward people Josh and I are. I just want to understand her, to mold who she is into a better her. I need to help lead her down the right paths so she will make the right decisions. I need to teach her how to use the personality God gave her, to glorify Him. Oh! this parenting stuff in a LONG LONG journey. Lord help me lead her on this journey, as You lead me on this journey! PRAY FOR ME! thanks=)

9 comments:

Jason said...

Merci is quite the free-spirit. Donna, even though you say you are an inward person, I remember you being the opposite when I first met you. The need to compare is funny. My sister molded half of her younger years to my example, even though it was totally against her natural being. I think a funny yet good example is early Janet Jackson to later Janet Jackson. At first she was a splitting image of Michael...she just hadn't found the way out of his shadow yet.

Merci seems very advanced for her age. Maybe she just began to realize who she is while she was very young, and that individualized expression mixed with "being a kid" makes her difficult to contain. Then again, this is coming from a guy that looks/feels awkward holding a kid and who has never changed a diaper.

Emily said...

Wow! This i tough stuff...I'm enjoying this very brief stage where discipline isn't necessary. I've only been a parent for two weeks so I don't have any advice, but I do have AWESOME parents. My dad alwasys said that every negative characteristic has a positive and vice-versa. They always concentrated on building the positive side and minimizing the negative (i.e. stubborness vs. determination). I will keep you guys in my prayers as you strive to raise a daughter of the King!

Autumn said...

I can understand why you might be feeling the way you do... (this is said totally in love)... Merci is a wild woman! I like what the other comment says about focusing on the positive side of her personality traits. Keep in mind there is a difference between personality traits and disobedience. Being a kid and having fun should be encouraged, but disobedience needs dicsipline. I will pray that God will speak to you (and me, too!) on this issue.

Bek said...

hi donna. i just want to encourage you. i don't think merci was really that bad. i think she genuinely wanted to worship, and also wanted some attention. i didn't even mind about half of the times she was bugging me. :)
i think it is AWESOME that u brought her to IHOP. i think there is no better way to teach a kid how to worship then to give them the opportunity. and i think sometimes parenting (from my 8 months experience) is wearing on us when we are doing something right. i know i have lots to learn, too, as i watch u older parents. my mom has reccommended a book to me called "shepherding your child's heart" which i haven't read yet, but she said its really good. anyone else read it?
Lord, I pray for Donna, that u would give her wisdom and revelation from heaven on how to raise her wonderful full-of-life daughter. that you would give her so much wisdom with how to raise merci that she would be able to just softly whisper a word and not even have to raise her voice to get merci's attention. bless their mother-daughter relationship, Lord, i know its an amazing one!
also, donna, one more thing, i have to agree with jason, i don't really thing u are that inward. maybe merci is just excessivley outward. :) Merci Rae - God is doing big things with you!

Angela said...

While I was pregnant I asked a few women who were roll models to me as far as parenting goes if they could recommend any books that they found helpful and "Shepherding Your Child's Heart" was one of them. I have heard it was good from more than one person. I have not read it myself yet, but plan to. As far as Merci goes, I can't really say much. I have only been a parent for 5 months and thank goodness you are not shoved right into that whole dicsipline thing right away...I wouldn NOT be ready. All I would know to do would be to look around me and pick out other women who I admired and ask them questions. I know every child is different, but you might find some insight that you would not have thought of yourself. Sometimes when you are to close to a situation you can't always figure out a good solution, but an outsider can walk right up and point you in the right direction. I am not saying someone else would know better than you would, just that maybe talking with other moms who have had similar problems would help.

Emily said...

I was given Shepherding a Child's Heart as a gift...only read the introduction so far...I heard it is awesome. My mom also just ordered a book for me called Home Improvement: 8 Tools for Effective Parenting. Both books are available at www.christianbook.com.

Autumn said...

I have read Shepherding a Child's Heart. I own it and also the workbook which I haven't gone through yet. I would like to know if anyone would be interested in working through the book along with me. I think I'll send out an e-mail. :)

Robert Gonzalez said...

THIS IS FROM A READER WHO HAPPENED TO FIND YOUR BLOG.

Parenting is certainly no easy task. Imagine what God goes through seeing billions of his creations scampering about doing exactly the opposite of what was told them (and how many times have you or I done exactly the same thing?). As a father of five it can be frustrating when your child, that little person that is supposed to do what you say, will look you straight in the eye and defy you. Something that really helped me was when I took this same thing to the Lord in prayer. He revealed to me that there are going to be some people that will come into your life who are in an infant/toddler stage in their Christian life. They will hear the Word and choose (yes, choose) to do something other than what is required. Are we to condemn their behavior in frustration because they may be doing something we know to be in defiance of the given word? God told me no. What we do is lift that person to God in prayer. Let God do what God does while we keep letting our light shine before all men that they may see our good works and glorify the Father. That means love the person. This is a lot easier said than done, but when it is practiced it makes all the difference. My 9 year old, 8 year old, 4 year old and 2 year old are all walking, talking examples of this principle.

Keep your head up. Parenting doesn't get easier, but it does bring you closer to God, closer to your spouse and closer to your kids. I will pray for you.

"A soft answer turns away wrath,
But a harsh word stirs up anger."
Proverbs 15:1

Donna said...

Wow Thanks! It is ALWAYS awesome to hear encouragements!!