Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Here I lay... bed with my laptop, freshly showered with nowhere to go.

I really never, I mean never, even in my wildest dreams thought Id complain about being home with no kids all day long 5 days a week. I mean, I do enjoy it, I like the peace and quiet but it has been 2 months. The newness of it has worn off. I find myself lonely, wondering what I can do, forcing myself not to run to Target to see what has been marked down. I actually have a bag of a few things I have bought, and not quite sure why I bought them, except for how cheap they were (don't worry it is not a problem...I usually use the stuff I buy, and the bag hold 2 items less than $8 worth of stuff...I actually stopped myself from going into Target the other day, so see I have it all under control).

I am left to myself lately. My thoughts, my heart, the has been pretty scary.
I'm not used to having time to think, to ponder, to search myself. And let me say I am having a very hard time with this. I have begun to question who I am. Wonder if it who I am supposed to be, am I in my destiny? Am I on the right path? What do I have to offer? Why do I do what I do?

I am a servant (too much), I am a giver (too much), I am loving (too much), I am tender hearted (too much), I am forgiving (too much), I am compassionate (probably not enough), I am a procrastinator (because there is so much for me to do, I just don't want to)...I am who I am. So why do I not belong, here, or there, or it seems like anywhere? Why is my character looked past? I am struggling deep inside with so many things, but with a smile on my face (most of the time), and a hop in my step.

Sometimes I feel so done. I don't want to be any of who I am. I am exhausted from being me.


amy said...

is there a mom's group you could join (or start!) at church?

also, i am a big advocate of scheduling - schedule what tasks you want to do each day and don't forget to schedule in time with god and time for you!

Jenna said...

Have you looked into volunteering (either at the kids' school or with an organization that you just happen to like)? It might give you some direction, or at least some where to go besides Target! :)