Writing it out might help get it out...maybe...

I just need to write out my thoughts and feelings.

I've been having a very hard time lately, feeling wanted, feeling needed. That depression is seeping in again.

I have been applying for jobs, have had a few interviews and nothing. One job was and is VERY hard for me to get over, my heart is so hurt over it. I don't really know why. I am so weepy over it, such a heavy heart. It's crazy really. A weird situation, and I won't go into it because it involves friend type people, well acquaintances I guess, that I see regularly.

Other stuff too. I just feel like I am getting stomped into smithereens from every angle. Being beaten down from every side. Not needed, not wanted, scum.

I know I have SO very much to be grateful for, and I am, but right now for me these issues are my problem. We all deal with different things and this is my thing. I have 2 beautiful kids that I love very much and husband I love very much, and some don't have that. You want what you don;t have syndrome. I have a friend who has a great relationship with her hubby, money, no debt, a gorgeous house, a job only a few days a week, great family, I mean a best friend mom, and a best friend...(who I thought was mine, but we've grown apart, our friendship is still there, just not as deep as theirs), a closet of great clothing and a body I used to have, vacations twice a year, but she lacks children, its been a rough road for her, I get that, I sympathize, I would do anything to help her, truth is they'd be better parents than us, but all the other things she has aren't enough. I have the kids she wants and she has the stuff I want. Truth is, I know after I got that I'd want something else.

I'm not being ungrateful, I just want a honeymoon with my husband, it's been 11 years. I want him to have a job he LOVES and doesn't have to work his ass off at just to make ends meet and have nothing leftover.

I just don't want to struggle you know?